It is ultimately only our own thoughts that hurt us.

Wait, what did you just say to yourself?

Were they the empowering, encouraging words you would speak to a friend?  Or were they the belittling remarks you would shout to an enemy if you had no heart?  Or the negative remarks about life you might utter if you had no faith?

All day long you speak silently to yourself, and a part of you believes every word.  So stay mindful, and meditate on this question:

“What do I need to stop thinking and saying to myself?”

Here are fifteen toxic thoughts to ban from your self-talk:

1. “It’s too late.” – No matter who you are, no matter what you did, no matter where you’ve come from, you can always change and become an improved version of yourself.  Peace, strength and understanding will come to you when you manage to tune out the noisy judgments of others, in an effort to better hear the soft and steady hum of your own inner strength.  And once you hear it, you will realize that it’s not too late to be what you might have been.
2. “If only I was stronger, smarter, more attractive, etc.” – The absolute worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.  It’s always better to be true to yourself, and risk incurring the ridicule of others, rather than trying to live a lie, only to incur your own self-contempt.  Remember, almost everything that happens to you is a direct reflection of what you believe about yourself.  You can’t possibly outperform your level of self-esteem.  You can’t draw from yourself more than you think you are worth.
3. “What I have to say is not that important.” – Silence makes the inner battle much harder and longer.  Speak your truth.  Let it out… before it kills you!  Honestly, this is one of the saddest things about so many people – their most important thoughts and feelings often go unspoken and barely understood.  (Read Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It.)
4. “The less risks I take, the less regrets I will have.” – You miss 100% of the shots you never take.  Choices, chances and changes – start making them.  You must make a choice to take a chance, or your life will never change.  In the end, more so than the mistakes we make along the way, we regret the chances we didn’t take, relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make.
5. “I need their permission.” – Do your thing.  Don’t hesitate and waste all your time with lots of explanations.  Most people only hear what they want to hear anyway.  Just because someone doesn’t understand your point of view, doesn’t mean a great explanation doesn’t exist.
6. “I’ll start tomorrow.” – Many great things can be done in a day if you don’t always make that day tomorrow.  Don’t let your fear of making a mistake stop you.  A life spent making mistakes is not only more enjoyable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
7. “I just want to be comfortable.” – You will never improve yourself if you cling to what used to be, simply because it’s familiar and comfortable.  Great things rarely come from comfort zones.  You have to take risks.  You will only realize the full potential of your life when you allow the unexpected to happen.
8. “Pain should be avoided at all costs.” – The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love, and to be greater than our misfortunes.  To hurt is as human as to breathe.  There is some kind of a sweet, innocent power in our humanness – in not having to be just happy or just sad – in the nature of being able to be both broken and whole at the very same time.  (Read Daring Greatly.)
9. “It’s all their fault.” – If you sit around for too long blaming others for the things they did or didn’t do, or know or didn’t know, you’ll remain sitting in one spot until you pass.  Placing blame is easy, because it means you don’t have to do anything; you just have to sit around for your entire life.  But that’s not living; that’s dying.  To accept where you are without blame by seizing the present for what it is – for the opportunities it’s giving you every instant – that’s what injects life into your story and ultimately moves you forward.
10. “It’s OK to break a few promises here and there.” – You make commitments to others and yourself all the time.  The question is: Do you keep them?  If you said you’re going to do something, do it!  When you fail to keep a promise, it tells people (including yourself) that you don’t value their time or relationship.  Don’t over-promise; under-promise and over-deliver on everything you do.  And a few words to the wise:  Never make a big decision when you’re angry, and never make a big promise when you’re overjoyed.
11. “It’s OK to stretch the truth.” – It’s disheartening to think how many people are shocked by honesty, and how few by deceit.  Don’t be one of them.  Uphold the truth, always.  Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often.  And you should be the one shocking them.
12. “If I ignore the dark parts of myself, they will disappear.” – You can’t change what you refuse to confront.  So confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with gradual enlightenment and forgiveness.  Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will eventually allow your angels to sing.
13. “There are far too many obstacles.” – There will be moments when troubles enter your life and you can do nothing to avoid them.  But know that they are there for a reason.  And only when you have overcome them will you understand why they were there.  Accept this and keep your head held high.  There’s no use in wallowing in negativity.  You simply can’t expect victory while planning for defeat.
14. “I have failed and lost too much to go on.” – If you have nothing, then you have everything, because you have the freedom to do anything, without the fear of losing something.  Confusing?  Not really.  Think about it.  Rock bottom is a solid foundation from which you can rebuild your life the way you always wanted it to be.  (Angel and I discuss this process in more detail in the “Adversity” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
15. “I just want today to be over already.” – Don’t wish your life away.  Experience it.  Work at it.  Everything you go through grows you.  Sometimes you think doing something is a total waste of time, and then it ends up being one of the best things you ever did.  Amazing things can and do happen when you least expect them.  Let each day be a scavenger hunt in which you must find at least one of these things: a sincere laugh, an act of kindness, a realization, or a lesson that leads you closer to your dreams.

Afterthoughts

Using positive self-talk isn’t easy, especially when things aren’t going your way.  But watch what you say anyway.  Don’t give in to toxic thoughts.

Remember, the route to your destination is never a straight line.  You will take questionable turns and get lost sometimes.  But it doesn’t always matter which road you embark on; what matters is that you embark with the right mindset.  Either way life will likely get complicated sometimes, and bring unexpected hurdles and changes.  But that’s OK.  Sometimes you have to stumble and feel weak for a little while to realize how strong you really are.

In the end, the only things standing between where you are and where you want to be is the will to keep trying and the belief that it is possible to get there.

Your turn…

Truth be told, you can’t live a positive life with a negative attitude.  You can’t do what’s right while you’re telling yourself the wrong things.  So let’s revisit the question I proposed in the intro:

What do you need to stop thinking and saying to yourself?

Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

Photo by: Corrie

It‘s not where we stand but in what direction we are moving.

Sometimes we find ourselves running in place, struggling to get ahead simply because we forget to address some of the simple truths that govern our potential to make progress.  So here’s a quick reminder:

1. The acquisition of knowledge doesn’t mean you’re growing.  Growing happens when what you know changes how you live.
2. You can’t have good ideas unless you’re willing to generate a lot of bad ones.
3. A good idea without action is worth nothing.
4. Change is often resisted when it is needed the most.
5. Discipline is choosing what you want most over what you want right now.  Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
6. People seldom do things to the best of their ability.  They do things to the best of their willingness.
7. You can’t change other people; you can only offer guidance, and lead by example.
8. Right now, there’s a lot you don’t know.  And if you never challenge your own beliefs, the list will never shrink.
9. If you’re talking to someone you don’t know well, you may be talking to someone who knows way more about the topic of conversation than you do.
10. The most common and harmful addiction in the world is the draw of comfort.
11. Growth begins at the end of your comfort zone.  Stepping outside of your comfort zone will put things into perspective from an angle you can’t grasp now.
12. When you spend time worrying, you’re simply using your imagination to create things you don’t want.
13. It’s usually only as good or bad as you think it is.  Most of what we see is only what we think about what we see.
14. Most of the bad things you worry about will never happen.  Most of the bad things that do happen will have never crossed your worried mind.
15. Some circumstances are uncontrollable, but we can always decide how we react to those circumstances.
16. Those who complain the most, accomplish the least.
17. Whenever somebody discredits you, and tells you that you can’t do something, keep in mind that they are speaking from within the boundaries of their own limitations.
18. Every problem you have in your life right now is your responsibility, regardless of who initially caused it.
19. It’s not so much about finding opportunities as it is about creating them.
20. Having a plan, even a flawed one at first, is better than no plan at all.
21. Paving your own road is intelligent only if nobody has gone exactly where you are going.
22. What you do every day matters more than what you do every once in a while.
23. What you don’t start today won’t be finished by tomorrow.
24. If you’re waiting for the perfect conditions, ideas or plans to get started, you’ll never achieve anything.
25. Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.
26. Putting something off makes it instantly harder and scarier.
27. You cannot change what you refuse to confront.
28. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.
29. The harder you work, the luckier you will become.
30. Kindness and hard work together will always carry you farther than intelligence.
31. Lots of successful people have failed as many times as they have succeeded.
32. Failures are simply lessons that help you prepare for next time.
33. Being successful is a journey, not a destination.
34. To be successful does not mean you have to dominate others; it means you have to dominate your own potential.
35. Your success isn’t just about you.  It’s about how you positively impact the lives around you.
36. Being busy and being productive are two different things.
37. Being happy and being successful are two different things.
38. You have every right to be happy, but it’s up to YOU and only YOU to exercise that right.  Read Stumbling on Happiness.
39. Everyone you meet is better than you at something.  We all have different strengths.  What worked for someone else might not work for you.
40. When you’re worried about what others think of you, you’re really just worried about what you think of yourself.
41. The bad news: nothing is permanent.  The good news: nothing is permanent.
42. You don’t have to settle.  It’s simply a choice you make every day.  If you don’t like your life, then it’s time to start making changes and better choices.
43. There’s no such thing as ‘risk free.’  Everything you do or don’t do has an inherent risk.
44. No matter how smart you are, you will make mistakes.
45. Problems, when they arise, are rarely as painful and hurtful as the process of fearing them.
46. Confusion isn’t a bad thing.  It means you’re growing and thinking.
47. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
48. In the beginning, you need to say “yes” to a lot of things to discover and establish your goals.  Later on, you need to say “no” to a lot of things and concentrate on your goals.
49. Even if it doesn’t cost any money, it’s not free if it takes up your time.
50. No matter how you make a living or who you think you work for, you only work for one person, yourself.  The big question is:  What are you selling, and to whom?
51. Money makes life easier only when it’s yours free and clear.  The stress of financial debt can change a person.
52. The fewer possessions you own, the more you will use and enjoy them.
53. Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.
54. There is good reason why you should wake each morning and mindfully consider what and who you will give your day to:  Because unlike other things in life – love, money, respect, good health, hope, opportunities, and many more – time is the one thing you can never get back once it’s gone.
55. Cutting your losses is often better than the alternative.
56. We sometimes do things that are permanently foolish just because we are temporarily upset.
57. Screaming at people always makes things worse.
58. Everyone likes a person who gets straight to the point.
59. First impressions are oftentimes inaccurate judgments of a person’s true character.
60. When you’re up, your friends know who you are.  When you’re down, you know who your friends are.
61. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.
62. When someone truly loves you, they don’t ever have to say a word.  You will be able to tell simply by the way they treat you over the long-term.
63. We rarely lose friends, we usually just figure out who our real ones are.
64. Just because one person doesn’t seem to care for you, doesn’t mean you should forget about everyone else who does.
65. Family isn’t always blood.  They’re the people in your life who want you in theirs – the ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what.
66. Good looks attracts the eyes.  Personality attracts the heart.
67. In human relationships, distance is not measured in miles but in affection.  Two people can be right next to each other, yet miles apart.
68. Being nice to someone you dislike doesn’t mean you’re fake.  It means you’re mature enough to control your emotions.
69. If you aren’t happy being single, you won’t be happy in a relationship.  You have to create your own life first before you can share it with someone else.
70. Whenever you hate someone or something, you are giving that person or thing a piece of your heart.  Read The Road Less Traveled.
71. Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.
72. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.
73. Saying “no” to right people gives you the time and resources required to say “yes” to right opportunities.
74. When you stop chasing the wrong things you give the right things a chance to catch you.
75. You can raise the bar or you can wait for others to raise it.  Either way, it’s getting raised.
76. In life you get what you put in.  If you want love, give love.  If you want friends, be friendly.  If you want money, provide value.  It really is this simple.
77. Cynicism might seem warranted at times, but it’s never useful.
78. Everyone dies, some sooner than later, and often unexpectedly.  To know this means you are alive, with a chance to make the time you have left count.
79. You are in competition with one person and one person only – yourself.  You are competing to be the best you can be.
80. Trying to be somebody you’re not is a sure path to self-hate, and a waste of the person you are.
81. It’s better to be disliked for who you are than to be liked for who you are not.
82. Giving up doesn’t always mean you’re weak, sometimes it means you are strong enough and smart enough to let go.
83. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
84. You can’t make the same exact mistake twice. The second time you make it, it’s no longer a mistake, it’s a choice.
85. Not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
86. You never have to deal with more than one moment at a time.
87. Many of the greatest lessons we learn in life we don’t seek on purpose.
88. You have to fight through some bad days to earn the best days of your life.
89. A harsh fact of life:  Bad things do happen to good people.
90. Regardless of the situation, the sun rises the next day and life goes on.
91. You never know how strong you really are until being strong is the only choice you have.
92. We end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
93. We meet no ordinary people in our lives.  If you give them a chance, everyone has something amazing to offer.
94. Every passing face on the street represents a story every bit as compelling and complicated as yours.
95. People are not as beautiful as they look, as they walk, or as they talk.  They are only as beautiful as they love, as they care, and as they share.
96. Silence is often the loudest cry.  So pay attention to those you care about.
97. Making one person smile can change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.
98. Blowing out another’s candle will not make yours shine brighter.
99. No matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress, you are still way ahead of everyone who isn’t trying.
100. Things turn out best for people who make the best out of the way things turn out.
101. Life is short.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.

Photo by: Alexander Steinhof

In the end, the questions you ask of yourself
determine the type of person you become.

If you’re human, you’ve shared in the experience of seeking validation.

It may be a simmering, subconscious compulsion – to get promoted, to get another degree, to lift a heavier weight or do a harder yoga pose – to be more, in some way, than you are now.

Or maybe you’re on the front lines of your battle for self-worth, constantly questioning yourself.  “Do I have a right to her love?  Surely she’ll leave me.”  “Am I good enough to let my voice be heard at this meeting?  I’d better defer to my colleagues.”

Whatever your striving for validation looks like, you are not alone.  Renowned social psychology researcher Albert Bandura showed that we’re constantly comparing ourselves against others and making decisions accordingly.

This is a smart strategy from an evolutionary perspective – fitting in is a good way to survive.

But we’re no longer trying simply to survive.  The luxury and curse of our era is that we can do virtually anything we want with our lives.

And in this world of possibility, you are leaving your greatest potential unfulfilled by letting others define what success means for you.

Damaging Comparisons

When I look around at my peers, I see brilliant people who are changing the world: doctors, lawyers, humanitarian sector workers, blossoming corporate champions, entrepreneurs, etc.

My friends are awesome, but if I tried to define my own success by comparing myself to them, I’d feel terrible.

I know this because I’ve done it.

In my early 20s, I worried that I wasn’t good at picking up girls at the bar.  As foolish as that sounds, I kept trying because I saw friends do it and let it become a measure of my worth.

More comparisons followed.  Could I hack it as a management consultant?  Could I get into a top business school?  These were self-imposed tests that I wasn’t even aware of while they were happening.

I went through years of experimentation and self-doubt in order to cultivate the resolve that I now have about my path.

I still find immense value in different perspectives and love to hear about the journeys my friends are on, but I also know that I have my own journey.

The most important step for me was finally becoming aware that I was making comparisons, and deciding to create my own, different measures of success.

Where in your life are you making these damaging comparisons?

One Simple Question: How Do You Define Success?

Many people achieve the outward trappings of success without ever reflecting on what really matters to them.  They are like racehorses with blinders on their eyes, galloping around a track, trying to “win.”

Taking these blinders off can be bewildering.  If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed by the totality of your free will, you have experienced this.

Meet that bewildering freedom by asking yourself one fundamental question:  What does success mean to me?

Have you ever honestly asked yourself this question?  Or have you simply adopted your priorities from everyone around you?

Are you crystal clear on what success means for you?

Here are a six ways you could measure success:

• Are you a Fortune 500 CEO, or in line to become one?
• Have you won any political campaigns?
• Have you won any international athletic competitions?  Do you hold any world records?
• Have you won a Grammy Award?  A Nobel Prize?
• Do people turn their heads when they see your car?
• Does your smartphone contacts database have more than 10 celebrities in it?

Here are a six other ways you could measure success:

• Have you dropped everything to help a friend in need?
• Did you do any favors today for complete strangers?
• Have you recently listened to someone else’s story without talking about yourself?
• Have you spoken up against friends, family and authority figures that were in the wrong by their words or actions?  Even when it was hard to do so?
• Have you kept silent when you knew you were right, knowing that an argument would be useless?
• Have you been patient, compassionate, and gentle toward those who have wronged you?

The point is not that one measure of success is any better or worse than another.

The point is that you get to choose how you define it for yourself.

Simply recognize that the more conscious and deliberate you can be about what success means for YOU, the more empowered you will be to pursue the path that’s true for you.

Your turn…

How do you define success?  What would make you successful in your own mind?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

Photo by: Christopher Mueller